The "Mallu" wedding industry is one of the most thriving, possibly soon will be the only one, business in Kerala. (Because they cannot have a hartal against marriages, not yet. In fact, marriages are exempted from the hartals and bandhs in Kerala, as though it is some great generous act they do while they ruin the rest of the state. )Along with the wedding-bull, I mean bell, the industry also supports another raging business – Gold. Tradition, and ego, requires that the bride needs to be covered and anchored to the ground with gold. Other allied sector businessmen like Biriyani caterers, Priests, brokers also benefit from this boom.
But behind all the glam and glitter lies a rotten story.
Here is how it all begins:
Most of the times, it all begins with an innocent smile. The day people in Kerala notice that you are a happy kid, there is an uprising and voices gather storm. How can anyone in Kerala be happy and contend?. There has to be something wrong. If not he or she is becoming irresponsible and lacks a direction in life.
Of course, only marriage can save the misguided youth. “Kalyanam kazhiyumbol sheri aakum”, “pennu kettumbol oru chitta varum”, “bharthavu aakumbol padicholum” are all common pre-nuptial thoughts.
Another more factual reason is the continuity of race, bloodline or the need to reproduce. This is the single biggest reason for marriages in Kerala, probably India too. All that people look for is man and woman to be legally able to reproduce and ensure off-springs that are able to continue “family names”.
Then comes the search. Massive hunts begin to find the “ideal” partner (ideal for others, not for eachother). Entrepreneuring brokers, Blood-thirsty relatives, Nosy neighbors; all have a feast. If the victim survives all these, the power of the media is utilized, not to forget to mention the online versions and do-it-yourself matrimonial sites. Check out a few actual press “classifieds” or “matrimonial ads”:
For ease, I have categorized into different sections based on their true meaning and intentions:
For Sale:
Ancient, Aristocratic, financially well-off Jacobite family with assets in Kerala and UAE invites proposals for a 24 year old white colored, tall, slim girl, homely, family oriented and excellent character. Doctors, engineers or MBAs preferred.
Syrian Orthodox boy, 27, 5'9", wheatish, working as software engineer in MNC, salary USD 100,000 plus seeks alliance, preferably educated outside Kerala.
Muslim parents residing in USA, invite proposals for their ONLY daughter born and brought up here 27yrs, 5'2" with master's degree, employed in reputed firm from professionally qualified boys of any Christian denomination with western culture.
Christian CSI, 30, 158, BBA, employed, 2,00,000 pa seeks Christian, educated brides, Malayalee also acceptable.
Religious, wealthy, ancient RC parents, well employed in Gulf, invite suitable alliance for their daughter, 22, 161, fair and beautiful, MBBS, doing PG in medicine shortly, from parents of handsome PG doctors/senior civil services employed software engineers employed in USA/UK/Australia, below 30 yrs of wealthy Jacobite/Orthodox family.
Visa available:
Parents of Nair girl 27, 157, green card holder, working in USA seeks alliance from US employed boys or boys wanting to go to USA.
Marthomite parents USA on leave invite proposals for daughter, slim, beautiful M.Sc nutrition employed in USA, from parents of well qualified god fearing Christian boys with clean habits.
Caste-Clubs:
Aristocratic parents of Thiya boy, 26, 5'9", working as software engineer in MNC, good salary, seeks alliance only from Thiya parents for their daughters.
Keywords and Legend:
Ancient: This means the family could be a direct descendant of our forefathers, the Apes – perhaps, if not look-wise, at least they will display character and behavior that qualify the recognition.
Aristocratic: If you would like to associate with a family who has enough people to interfere with every bit of your life, then look for this word.
Financially-well-off/ Salary quotes/ Assets: These are tricky keywords. When it comes in a “wanted bride-grooms” classified, it usually implies, money is not an issue and we got lots of dowry as long as you are a District Collector or a psychiatrist who charges by the minute or something like that. If it comes on an “ad” by the parents of a guy, it usually means if you have the money, we don’t care who or what our son is marrying.
Homely/ Family Oriented: She has a uterus, and is willing to reproduce
Green card holder: You don’t have to go stand in the long queues at Chennai or Delhi at the US consulate at 5am.
Wheatish, White, Fair, Medium Complexion: These are highly subjective color based descriptions to entice you, just like Maruti people talk about their car colors. You wont know what red or blue until you see the car. But the fact is, there is a big preference of color in Kerala.
MNC: This could be your lucky break to get out of all those strikes, bandhs, gossips and such things that make a hell-hole out of Kerala.
ONLY child: when its an ONLY child, the sale value quadruples in the market.
God-fearing: I am still confused about this one and I wonder if it means God fears these people.
It is very rarely that a victim gets beyond this point. Usually the marriage occurs because “he is a doctor”, “they gave 2 crores”, “their family is famous” “her dad owns two hotels” “her studies are over, now its time to have a kid” “he has to fly abroad, so he has to marry and go” or one such insane reason.
I have seen 90% of the time these people miss what the guy and girl really wants. It never really is about either of those people, but about families, prestige, egos and social status. What good is a “famous family” if the guy and girl don’t get along well? In my opinion, majority of the marriages in Kerala end up in discontent and suppression. The couples are just forced to shut-up and live on because of the family and social pressures. But sooner or later, these frustrations give way in one form or another. In the end, its back to two people doing their own things in life, but are together only because of that “incident” called wedding. And most of the times, its only the guy that lives his life, whereas the girl suffers silently, confined to the house.
That is probably one reason why couples are “fast forwarded” into having kids. The days after you marry, aunts and uncles, or even strangers will want to know your bed-room secrets. “When are we seeing a baby”, “Don’t delay further”, “Othiri thamasikkathe oru ” are all the usual comments you get from them. And you think to yourself, “God, its just been 2 months!” or “who the hell is this guy?!!” And if it is over one year and you still haven’t had babies, then God save you. Either you will be subjected to the latest medical tests available till you conceive, or you will be branded as barren. Period.
Anyway, coming back to marriages, I don’t see why people have to bring in egos and hypocrisy into something like marriage. Aren’t marriages supposed to be made in heaven? Why can’t the guy and girl be given priority? I am not even saying Love marriages work better, but the whole system involved in weddings in Kerala is thoroughly confusing to say the least. Infact, I do think Love marriages (by this I mean, people should be allowed to find a match on their own; marriage is a personal choice in my opinion) are way better than the way marriages are arranged in Kerala. If at all love marriages fail, it is only because of the family, relatives and society manipulating the couples brains and creating rifts.
I recently heard an account from someone I know very closely, about how his daughter liked a guy who worked with her. And initially both their families were happy and fine. But mid-way as they discussed about the hows and whens of the wedding, the question of dowry came up. The guy’s folks accused the girl’s dad as being a cheapo, and he got infuriated and walked off the camp. I guess behind every marriage there is an incident or scene like this. I think the serials in Kerala depict the mental agony in most houses, and perhaps thats the reason why they are such a rage!
I have heard about insane traditions such as the guy "paying of" the girls mother with a token gift such as a sari and all. And people actually sit and spend hours on deciding these things, without even a clue as to whats going on in the guy or girls mind.
I also get bugged by the way, hundreds of strangers flock to weddings. People who you have never met before, strangers who don’t give a damn about the couple, people who come just to gossip or comment about the food. Isn’t marriage supposed to be more special than that? Why cant it be just the close relatives and friends who really mean well for the couple and family? Why does it have to be a social display?
We, or atleast our parents, were all born out of similar marriages I guess, and so in some senses the system works. But is it the only way it can work? Will it ever change?
But behind all the glam and glitter lies a rotten story.
Here is how it all begins:
Most of the times, it all begins with an innocent smile. The day people in Kerala notice that you are a happy kid, there is an uprising and voices gather storm. How can anyone in Kerala be happy and contend?. There has to be something wrong. If not he or she is becoming irresponsible and lacks a direction in life.
Of course, only marriage can save the misguided youth. “Kalyanam kazhiyumbol sheri aakum”, “pennu kettumbol oru chitta varum”, “bharthavu aakumbol padicholum” are all common pre-nuptial thoughts.
Another more factual reason is the continuity of race, bloodline or the need to reproduce. This is the single biggest reason for marriages in Kerala, probably India too. All that people look for is man and woman to be legally able to reproduce and ensure off-springs that are able to continue “family names”.
Then comes the search. Massive hunts begin to find the “ideal” partner (ideal for others, not for eachother). Entrepreneuring brokers, Blood-thirsty relatives, Nosy neighbors; all have a feast. If the victim survives all these, the power of the media is utilized, not to forget to mention the online versions and do-it-yourself matrimonial sites. Check out a few actual press “classifieds” or “matrimonial ads”:
For ease, I have categorized into different sections based on their true meaning and intentions:
For Sale:
Ancient, Aristocratic, financially well-off Jacobite family with assets in Kerala and UAE invites proposals for a 24 year old white colored, tall, slim girl, homely, family oriented and excellent character. Doctors, engineers or MBAs preferred.
Syrian Orthodox boy, 27, 5'9", wheatish, working as software engineer in MNC, salary USD 100,000 plus seeks alliance, preferably educated outside Kerala.
Muslim parents residing in USA, invite proposals for their ONLY daughter born and brought up here 27yrs, 5'2" with master's degree, employed in reputed firm from professionally qualified boys of any Christian denomination with western culture.
Christian CSI, 30, 158, BBA, employed, 2,00,000 pa seeks Christian, educated brides, Malayalee also acceptable.
Religious, wealthy, ancient RC parents, well employed in Gulf, invite suitable alliance for their daughter, 22, 161, fair and beautiful, MBBS, doing PG in medicine shortly, from parents of handsome PG doctors/senior civil services employed software engineers employed in USA/UK/Australia, below 30 yrs of wealthy Jacobite/Orthodox family.
Visa available:
Parents of Nair girl 27, 157, green card holder, working in USA seeks alliance from US employed boys or boys wanting to go to USA.
Marthomite parents USA on leave invite proposals for daughter, slim, beautiful M.Sc nutrition employed in USA, from parents of well qualified god fearing Christian boys with clean habits.
Caste-Clubs:
Aristocratic parents of Thiya boy, 26, 5'9", working as software engineer in MNC, good salary, seeks alliance only from Thiya parents for their daughters.
Keywords and Legend:
Ancient: This means the family could be a direct descendant of our forefathers, the Apes – perhaps, if not look-wise, at least they will display character and behavior that qualify the recognition.
Aristocratic: If you would like to associate with a family who has enough people to interfere with every bit of your life, then look for this word.
Financially-well-off/ Salary quotes/ Assets: These are tricky keywords. When it comes in a “wanted bride-grooms” classified, it usually implies, money is not an issue and we got lots of dowry as long as you are a District Collector or a psychiatrist who charges by the minute or something like that. If it comes on an “ad” by the parents of a guy, it usually means if you have the money, we don’t care who or what our son is marrying.
Homely/ Family Oriented: She has a uterus, and is willing to reproduce
Green card holder: You don’t have to go stand in the long queues at Chennai or Delhi at the US consulate at 5am.
Wheatish, White, Fair, Medium Complexion: These are highly subjective color based descriptions to entice you, just like Maruti people talk about their car colors. You wont know what red or blue until you see the car. But the fact is, there is a big preference of color in Kerala.
MNC: This could be your lucky break to get out of all those strikes, bandhs, gossips and such things that make a hell-hole out of Kerala.
ONLY child: when its an ONLY child, the sale value quadruples in the market.
God-fearing: I am still confused about this one and I wonder if it means God fears these people.
It is very rarely that a victim gets beyond this point. Usually the marriage occurs because “he is a doctor”, “they gave 2 crores”, “their family is famous” “her dad owns two hotels” “her studies are over, now its time to have a kid” “he has to fly abroad, so he has to marry and go” or one such insane reason.
I have seen 90% of the time these people miss what the guy and girl really wants. It never really is about either of those people, but about families, prestige, egos and social status. What good is a “famous family” if the guy and girl don’t get along well? In my opinion, majority of the marriages in Kerala end up in discontent and suppression. The couples are just forced to shut-up and live on because of the family and social pressures. But sooner or later, these frustrations give way in one form or another. In the end, its back to two people doing their own things in life, but are together only because of that “incident” called wedding. And most of the times, its only the guy that lives his life, whereas the girl suffers silently, confined to the house.
That is probably one reason why couples are “fast forwarded” into having kids. The days after you marry, aunts and uncles, or even strangers will want to know your bed-room secrets. “When are we seeing a baby”, “Don’t delay further”, “Othiri thamasikkathe oru ” are all the usual comments you get from them. And you think to yourself, “God, its just been 2 months!” or “who the hell is this guy?!!” And if it is over one year and you still haven’t had babies, then God save you. Either you will be subjected to the latest medical tests available till you conceive, or you will be branded as barren. Period.
Anyway, coming back to marriages, I don’t see why people have to bring in egos and hypocrisy into something like marriage. Aren’t marriages supposed to be made in heaven? Why can’t the guy and girl be given priority? I am not even saying Love marriages work better, but the whole system involved in weddings in Kerala is thoroughly confusing to say the least. Infact, I do think Love marriages (by this I mean, people should be allowed to find a match on their own; marriage is a personal choice in my opinion) are way better than the way marriages are arranged in Kerala. If at all love marriages fail, it is only because of the family, relatives and society manipulating the couples brains and creating rifts.
I recently heard an account from someone I know very closely, about how his daughter liked a guy who worked with her. And initially both their families were happy and fine. But mid-way as they discussed about the hows and whens of the wedding, the question of dowry came up. The guy’s folks accused the girl’s dad as being a cheapo, and he got infuriated and walked off the camp. I guess behind every marriage there is an incident or scene like this. I think the serials in Kerala depict the mental agony in most houses, and perhaps thats the reason why they are such a rage!
I have heard about insane traditions such as the guy "paying of" the girls mother with a token gift such as a sari and all. And people actually sit and spend hours on deciding these things, without even a clue as to whats going on in the guy or girls mind.
I also get bugged by the way, hundreds of strangers flock to weddings. People who you have never met before, strangers who don’t give a damn about the couple, people who come just to gossip or comment about the food. Isn’t marriage supposed to be more special than that? Why cant it be just the close relatives and friends who really mean well for the couple and family? Why does it have to be a social display?
We, or atleast our parents, were all born out of similar marriages I guess, and so in some senses the system works. But is it the only way it can work? Will it ever change?